How Not To Save A Life
by EmilyHalpert
Summary: Michael decides that the office needs CPR training. R&R please!


A/N: When volunteering for the Red Cross becomes a full time job, stuff like this is bound to happen.

Guess what! I don't own anything relating to The Office. I do however own a spiffy CPR manual, participants book, and a ton of Red Cross stuff. So there!

I think this is mainly going to be mid-season two time frame. And I am having Meredith be skipping work this day. Giving it an even number, and I don't think I can write her at all.

I think I was constant with the (italics) being thoughts of the instructor. So hopefully that won't confuse anyone.

Many _many_ thanks to all my betas for the amazing job – because my grammar and tense switches are just annoying. Thanks to Squizz for helping suggest the idea. And for all the fun Squizz lists, but that is another story :P

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Early in the morning, Michael walks out of his office. "Attention everyone. Today, thanks to Jim, we're learning CPR. The Red Cross is sending someone over, and we're all going to be trained… and stuff." Michael smiles as if this is the best idea in the whole world, while the rest of the office glares at Jim.

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Jim: So, yesterday, I was up at Pam's desk, munching on some jellybeans. I started laughing and choked a bit before coughing it up. Gross, yes, but minor. Michael came out, and saw the whole thing. So, apparently, now we need to know how to save a life. Great.

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Dwight: I am a volunteer sheriff's deputy. I'm already trained in CPR. Had I not been out on a sales call, I could have prevented any tragedy from occurring. Choking is not something to joke about; it is deadly. The lungs cannot get oxygen, and he could have gone unconscious, and that is very serious. Would I be upset if Jim died? Hum…

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After Michael returns to his office, Jim turns and talks to Pam. Before he reaches the desk, Pam grabs the jellybeans and hides them under her desk.

"Oh great, I'm never going to live that down."

"I don't want to be responsible for your death. After we are all trained in CPR, you get jellybean privileges back," Pam says, her eyes teasing.

"No jellybeans? Until this evening? How ever will I survive?"

"I don't know; you probably shouldn't eat anything at all. I mean, what if you choke on your ham and cheese sandwich today at lunch? Just stick to liquids, you can't choke on those."

"I'll have you know, Beesly, that I managed to eat solid foods for 26 years and haven't died yet, now give me those jellybeans." Jim leans over her desk and is just able to touch the container.

"Just a little too short. Guess no jellybeans for you." Pam can't help laughing.

Jim just glares at her as he goes back to his desk.

By the time lunch comes around, Jim was still not able to snag any jellybeans. After attempting two more times and trying to get Ryan to get them for him, she locks them in a drawer.

As Jim is unwrapping his sandwich, Pam teases him once again. "You want my yogurt? As long as you don't eat the fruit pieces, you should be okay."

"Well, by this afternoon, you don't have to worry about it. I'm sure once I start choking, everyone will be lining up to save me.… Wait, isn't CPR for people who are unconscious?" Jim asks. "Do I have to wait until I am near death before anyone tries to save me?"

"Yeah, but they teach you the Heimlich and stuff also. Not just CPR, you know. All sorts of things to do in an emergency."

"You sound like you have personal experience. So, you're saying you just didn't try to save me yesterday? Just wanted me to die?"

Pam laughs. "I took a class in high school. My certification expired like, ten years ago. Besides, you coughed it up in a second."

"So, no big deal, but you still won't let me have a jellybean."

"Nope."

At one o'clock, a young woman comes into the office, struggling with an oversized bag. Seeing her struggling, Pam gets up and takes the bag awkwardly from her.

"Thanks. I'm Sydney, the CPR instructor." Sydney sticks out her free hand, and Pam shakes it. "I'm looking for Michael Scott."

Pam, still struggling with the bag, walks back to her desk before dropping it off. She then knocks on Michael's door. "Michael, the CPR instructor is here."

Michael comes out of the office. "Oh hello. I'm Michael Scott, manager of this fine facility. After our own Jimmy boy," Michael pats Jim on the shoulder, while Jim just looks embarrassed, "choked yesterday on a jellybean – oh good, Pam I see you put those agents of death away - I decided that we needed to be trained for any emergency. After all, they are my family, and family doesn't let family choke on jellybeans."

"Um. Sure. Well, I still have to get a few more things from my car, but after that we can start."

"Ryan!" Michael calls. "Help this young lady!"

"No, really, its fine. I do this all the time."

"Nonsense. Ryan is always happy to help."

"He doesn't look happy."

"Ryan is always happy. See that smile?"

Sydney looks over at Ryan. She doesn't even think that face could smile. "Sorry," she mumbles to him. _(This is going to be a long day.)_

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Michael: I really think this CPR class is a good idea. Plus, did you see the instructor? She is hot. I'm going to make sure that she ... breathes in me or whatever. You know, like the lifeguard saving me sort of thing. Yeah. I will start choking. She can save me. Start of a great love story.

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Five minutes later, everyone files into the conference room. The table is gone collapsed and pushed to the side. Mannequins are on the floor, and there are booklets on all the chairs.

"I am a sheriff's deputy, and as such I am already trained in CPR. Would you like my assistance in teaching this class? I know them all and I know who to look out for, JIM." Dwight says the last bit accusingly, glaring as Jim finds a seat.

"Well, you don't need to take the class again if your certification is still current, but you can't help teach unless you are an authorized instructor." Sydney tries to explain.

"But, I know all of this like the back of my hand. Thirty compressions to the depth of two inches, and then two breaths." Dwight continues talking, and Sydney makes him leave the room.

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Dwight: I don't see why she wouldn't let me teach. I would be a better instructor than her. I can keep everyone in line. She probably wouldn't even tell them when they are doing it wrong. We can't have everyone doing CPR wrong. It would be chaos. Lives would be lost.

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"Okay everyone. On your seat you will find your participants manual, and a few skills charts. Any questions before we start?"

Most of the workers looked bored, so Sydney continued.

"Okay, well, I am going to start with recognizing an emergency…What would be some things that you could see or do to recognize an emergency?"

"Like, Britney Spears is totally in an emergency right now. I mean, rehab and everything. And she has two little kids. Oh, I can't wait to have kids. Can you Ryan?" Kelly gushes.

"You save a life no matter what. If you are strong enough, no situation is unsafe," proclaims Dwight _(um, no.)_

"If I start choking right now, would you have to give me mouth to mouth? That would be an emergency, right?" asked Michael, far too eager at that possibility _(okay, watch out for that guy...)_

Thankfully, by the time they start the skills practice, most people are actually listening and paying attention. Sydney certainly doesn't want to have to fail anyone – not only because it reflects badly on her, but also it just means she would have to come back and teach again. That is something she does not want to have to suffer through.

"Okay, we need to partner up to practice the recovery position," Sydney announces, as the workers look at each other, slightly horrified. Michael, however, jumps up, "I'll be your partner Sydney. I make a great unconscious person."

"No, Michael. First of all, there is an even number of you, so you need to partner up with a coworker."

"Employee. I am their boss you know. I make a lot more money than them."

"That's… that's great." Sydney notices Jim and Pam standing next to each other. "Um, guys, sorry but we prefer if it's same-sex partners. I did a quick count, and that'll work out better."

"Oh, oh yeah," Pam says, slightly embarrassed. She looks around. Meredith was out sick today, and it looks like Kelly and Phyllis were already paired. "Angela? Want to be partners?"

"I guess I can be your partner for these life saving exercises. However, I expect you to be careful where you put your hands. It is inappropriate for this much touching to be going on in a workplace."

Pam gives a desperate look to Jim, who has partnered with Toby. Jim just smiles and shrugs.

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Angela: I don't know why we have to partner up in this. It's inappropriate for this in the workplace. They might as well have strippers in the office. At least she insisted upon same sex partners. If there had been male/female partners, I am sure the devil himself would have come.

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The workers are paired off – Michael and Ryan (who looks horrified), Kevin and Oscar, Pam and Angela, Phyllis and Kelly, Stanley and Creed, and Toby and Jim.

"Okay. Now that you have partners, you need to designate one of you to be the unconscious one, and the other will put you in the recovery position."

The recovery position practice does well, with just a few annoying comments and gestures by Michael and Kevin. Angela accuses Pam of touching her inappropriately, but Sydney assures her that it was not inappropriate, and Pam is correct in her positioning.

Next is conscious choking. As soon as she mentions the topic, Michael jumps up. "Yes. See, Jim? Now when you eat a jellybean, you can be safe knowing that we are all trained to save you."

"Thanks, Michael. Yeah, now I can eat without worry," Jim says, slightly sarcastic. He tries to look to Pam for support, but she puts her hands up to her throat, and gags like she is choking.

"Exactly, Pam. That is the universal sign of choking." Pam looks up, embarrassed. She hadn't realized that Sydney had continued talking.

"Okay, basically, when you realize someone is choking, you let them cough. It is very important to let them cough. If they can still talk and cough, they can still breathe. Does everyone understand that?" The workers nod in agreement, and she continues. "Okay, now I can't stress this enough. Do _not_ really practice this. I am just checking for hand placement only. Do _NOT_ actually hit your partner."

"Augh." A sick sound comes from Sydney's right. Ryan is doubled over in pain, looking sick. Kelly rushes over, "Oh my gosh Ryan, what happened? Sydney! Help him. It's an emergency."

Sydney helps Ryan into a chair. "What happened, Michael?" she says accusingly.

"I was just testing to make sure that I had my hand placement right. My hand must have slipped or something."

"Michael! Did you actually do the abdominal thrusts!?" Sydney is practically yelling. "You could have caused severe internal damage. The only reason it works is because the alternative is death! He should see a doctor!"

"Nah, he's just faking. See, a good joke, right Ryan? We're friends. I would never hurt you."

Ryan just looks up, pained.

"Ryan – how bad is it right now? Do you need to go to the hospital? I would suggest you do go to a doctor's – if not now, then tonight after work."

Ryan stands up to leave, but the pain makes him sit back down. "I think I will stay here for now."

"I can take you to the doctor's," Kelly offers eagerly.

"Um, no, I think I am okay for now. I will just sit down for a bit." Ryan says, a bit too fast.

"Okay, listen. This is why I said to not really do this. We only recommend it because it is better than death. Okay, well, I still need to check the rest of your positioning, so, let's just start back again."

Sydney makes sure Michael shows her the correct positioning with a mannequin. She had never had anyone else 'accidentally' perform abdominal thrusts on their partner.

Next is practicing CPR. Usually once it gets to this section of the class, it goes fast. They simply follow the DVD. Sydney, however, did not count on Dwight, who had wandered back into the classroom during the choking exercise.

"No! You are not compressing it far enough! Not that far! No you idiot, that is too far. Not that fast! Now you are just doing it slow on purpose. JIM! Do you want people to die?"

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Dwight: I was right. Sydney is not doing her job. If these people are released thinking they know CPR, they will kill people. Just looking around the room I saw countless violations, and Sydney was just encouraging them.

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Sydney spends more time trying to re-correct people after Dwight corrected them. Sydney hopes even more now that everyone passes; she doesn't think she could survive another session with Dwight and Michael. Finally, everyone correctly demonstrates the skill, and they could move on. One more lesson - unconscious choking. Never before was it such a relief to be that close to the end.

After the skill scenario at the end, Sydney leads the normal review session. Dwight of course, answers all of the questions before anyone else has a chance – even after she asks him to stop - "If I know the answers, why should I not answer?" She passes out the exams and crosses her fingers. After the exams are turned in, she starts grading, and is relieved to see that everyone is getting the questions correct. One test short, she looks up, noticing that Michael is still taking the test. He is frantically reading, and scratching out answers.

"Do you need any help Michael? I can explain a question better if that is what you need." _(I would be willing to tell you the answers just to get out of here.)_ It is nearly five o'clock. Most of the other employees are already packing up to leave. Only Michael, Dwight, and Ryan (who still looks pained any time he moves) were left in the room. Jim and Pam are outside, joking near the reception desk. Angela is over by accounting, shuffling papers impatiently, as if waiting for something.

"Come on Michael, you know this. You are smart. You can save a life," Dwight encourages Michael.

Finally, Michael turns his sheet in. There are crosses, lines, and markings all over it. Never before had Sydney seen anyone have this much trouble with a simple multiple-choice test. It takes nearly five minutes for her to grade it, figuring out which answer is the one he really means. Amazingly, he does pass – just barely.

Before they leave, Pam unlocks her drawer. "Jellybean?" she offers, holding the container up for Jim.

Jim smiles, and reaches out to take one.

"Now remember, if you start choking, keep coughing. And don't let Michael get near you," Pam teases.

"I told you I would get one of these before the end of the day."

"I thought it was before CPR class, which you didn't."

"Nope, it was the end of the day. And I did. It is just five now. So there," Jim says, his eyes teasing her.

Walking out, Pam says, "Well, now we can save your life next time you choke on that 'agent of death.'"

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Michael: So now all my Dunder-Mifflinites are trained to save a life. We should use that in our sales calls. Buy from Dunder-Mifflin, we can save your life. A great line to pick up chicks with. Nah, I don't think it would have worked out with Sydney and me, sure she was hot and everything, but, she just didn't get my jokes. No sense of humor about the whole Ryan thing.

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Chapter End Notes:

Honestly, the whole Jim choking on a jellybean was what started this whole odd idea. What is up with me trying to harm Jim? I really do love him!

Anyways, please rate and review. Make me happy. Make me able to go teach more people CPR.


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